Day 14

I am 30 weeks and 4 days pregnant, and stuck in a hospital bed on bed rest.  My water broke 2 weeks ago when I was only 28 weeks pregnant.  This usually results in a delivery within 24 to 48 hours, but not for me.  Of course not for me, instead I am considered a lucky one because my baby gets to continue to grow in the womb.  Now while most of you may think how lucky I am to have lasted this long, and while my doctors agree with you, I am tired of being here.  

Life in a hospital is not great, well the drugs are great and the rest of it pretty well stinks.  I have many visitors which makes it nice and makes me "not a loser."  Some women sit here alone for weeks on end, lonely, sad and suffering mainly from the disastrous food.  The cafeteria food is really miserable.  My family and friends have all been very supportive.  They bring me meals, snacks and they visit me often.  Unfortunately they will not bring me the one thing I do want, a fever or an illness.  If I could just get a fever the doctors would agree to take this baby out.  Oh call me selfish why don't you?!  I guarantee you you'd feel the same way sitting in this place.  

I don't have it as bad as some.  I have my own room with a view of all the "free people."  I am across from the Laguna Hills Mall.  What's frustrating is seeing all of the pregnant patients walk from their cars to their appointments and back to their cars to go home to their families.  Why didn't I get that lucky?  I had enough trouble trying to get pregnant.  In fact, I was told I couldn't get pregnant.  My chances were so low of having a healthy pregnancy that they have called this our miracle baby from the start.  So why on earth I was dealt this card is beyond me.  Oh I know what you are thinking, why can't I just be appreciative that I got pregnant?!  How could I be so selfish and not want to do this for my baby.  I thought those thoughts too when I would see the women around me get pregnant.  For 3 long years we tried and no luck.  I watched all the TLC baby shows and I would think how lucky and fortunate all those women were to get pregnant.  How dare they have any of these negative thoughts.  Until you are put in the situation yourself, it's easy to look down upon others and think how fortunate they are.  You always want what you can't seem to have, and I get it.  I really do get it!

This has been a long journey, and what is a month of my time considering I waited 3 years to get to this point?  These thoughts of rationalism go through my head.  I think about how beneficial it is for the baby to be inside of me instead of fighting for his little life on the outside world.  It's so easy to judge others.  It's so easy for others to tell me, "it's okay" and "think about how good this is for your baby."  I do think about how good it is for my baby, but that doesn't change the fact that I have another baby who is 8, and a husband and dogs and a house all that I feel obligated to take care of as well.   

Many of my friends have asked me to continue to write and keep them updated.  They enjoy the emails I have written, and some have even asked me to start working on a book because my story is actually worth telling.  One friend suggested I start this blog, on this website, and since I literally have nothing better to do I decided to take her up on the offer.  So this is the beginning of telling all about my frustration.  Maybe something will come of this?!  I do believe everything happens for a reason, and perhaps I am supposed to find myself here and begin writing my story.  I hope you enjoy my thoughts, and give me some time to work on this site as I figure it all out.