Fantasy

So many women in this stage of their pregnancy have already fantasized about what it will be like to hold, nurse, cradle and love their baby.  They are putting the finishing touches on the nursery, making sure the car seat is installed correctly, packing their overnight bags for the hospital, and really preparing for this big day!  These fantasy's didn't really start for me until this week.  It still seems surreal that this is happening.  I cannot believe that in a week from today I will have another baby.  When I had Derek I was not as scared, I was young and stupid.  Now, I have life experience, a husband who loves me more than life itself and a family for support!  These are all good things to have, I know we will survive the first few weeks.  I just know it's going to be a bit tough!

My body has not been letting me rest as much as I need to.  I am tired but there are so many interruptions going on here right now.  I have to pee constantly, I am having trouble getting out of bed because I feel like I have a watermelon attached to me, and I am getting nervous about the delivery.  Like really nervous.  I am nervous he won't be okay mostly.  I am worried that he will have health issues and that I won't be able to take him home for awhile.  I find that nerve racking because I know how important it is to bond with him just after he is born.  Today was the first day I have really dreamed about holding the baby after the delivery.  I can almost feel him in my arms, and I am filled with joy and love.  I've just gotten to point emotionally that I didn't think I would ever get to, which is that I think this is actually going to happen and mine and my husbands dreams are coming true.  We are actually going to have a baby together.  It's becoming a lot to handle but I am taking it one day at a time.  It's the only way to cope with all of this.

As the days get closer, the nights get more restless, the nerves get stronger, and the excitement is building.  Knowing there is an end in sight.  If I deliver before 12 on Friday night, it means I can actually pack my bags and go home on Sunday.  It's almost unbelievable.  I will have spent 5 1/2 weeks in a hospital bed on bed rest.  If I make it to Friday without delivering him before than I know I will feel really down and out if I won't be able to take him home.  I thought I was pretty well prepared, and well, I am prepared as I can be with having to leave him behind.  Fortunately, they say statistically his stay in the NICU wouldn't be for too long however every baby is different.

My baby shower is coming up in a few weeks and it looks as if he will be joining the celebration.  That will make all my aunties happy, as well as anyone else who hasn't had a chance to meet the little guy!  Hopefully he is a calm baby.  Derek was a very calm and soothing baby.  I am looking forward to the shower a lot.  It will be special if everyone is able to meet him.  I may become a bit jealous with all the passing around :) but I get to go home with him.  I will have something nice to add to his album for the first year of his life.  

It's getting late and I am finally yawning so I am going to head off to sleep.  I should be getting a growth scan ultrasound performed tomorrow morning, so I will definitely write what his estimated weight should be.  My doctor needs to know before she performs the delivery.  Not that it changes the induction date or anything, but it may change in the care he is to receive and they may need to prepare us for something.  Either way, I should have details tomorrow to share.  Good night!